The Hard Stuff
I sat down to revise my essay 'A Servant to Many Gods' and my eyes stung as the black marks on the pages blurred into a haze; I was crying. At first I tried to fight the urge crawling in my throat and make myself stop, but I couldn't. And so, I sat waiting for my tears to finish.
It is difficult to admit that something is wrong or that you don't feel right about a situation; at least it's that way for me. I cower away from confrontation and learned to keep the 'peace' as the older sister in my family; therefore, I never admit when something is wrong because I know it is fixable. And it was never difficult to defend and speak up for others, but if I had to do that for myself then silence was my answer.
I notice that I do this in my writing as well. There are some thoughts and feelings that I haven't even allowed myself to admit exist and confront or at least feel, so when I try to write about it, all that comes out is a bunch of jumbled confusion and anecdotes.
So, when I tried to revise 'A Servant to Many Gods' and started crying, I realized that I was cowering away from the truth; giving clues but never saying what really happened and how I really felt. I looked at the pages of the essay and realized that most of the moments I wrote about were memories (feelings) that were securely tucked away into some far off place in my mind; or at least I thought so.
When I started reading what I wrote, I realized that my emotions were missing from the piece because it was missing from me. I didn't want to think about how angry I was about being forced to have dreadlocks and then suffering because of it. I didn't want to think about all my endless journal entries of the struggle to prove against a stereotype. I didn't want to think about being angry at the person who put dreadlocks in my hair. I didn't want to admit that I had feelings about my writing. I didn't want to feel.
Every "hair" experience that I have had, has made me distant from my feelings about it and how it affected my past. But now, I making an effort to write about the feelings without demonizing others. I am making an effort to tell the whole story and write about the hard stuff; the hard stuff that linger inside.
It is difficult to admit that something is wrong or that you don't feel right about a situation; at least it's that way for me. I cower away from confrontation and learned to keep the 'peace' as the older sister in my family; therefore, I never admit when something is wrong because I know it is fixable. And it was never difficult to defend and speak up for others, but if I had to do that for myself then silence was my answer.
I notice that I do this in my writing as well. There are some thoughts and feelings that I haven't even allowed myself to admit exist and confront or at least feel, so when I try to write about it, all that comes out is a bunch of jumbled confusion and anecdotes.
So, when I tried to revise 'A Servant to Many Gods' and started crying, I realized that I was cowering away from the truth; giving clues but never saying what really happened and how I really felt. I looked at the pages of the essay and realized that most of the moments I wrote about were memories (feelings) that were securely tucked away into some far off place in my mind; or at least I thought so.
When I started reading what I wrote, I realized that my emotions were missing from the piece because it was missing from me. I didn't want to think about how angry I was about being forced to have dreadlocks and then suffering because of it. I didn't want to think about all my endless journal entries of the struggle to prove against a stereotype. I didn't want to think about being angry at the person who put dreadlocks in my hair. I didn't want to admit that I had feelings about my writing. I didn't want to feel.
Every "hair" experience that I have had, has made me distant from my feelings about it and how it affected my past. But now, I making an effort to write about the feelings without demonizing others. I am making an effort to tell the whole story and write about the hard stuff; the hard stuff that linger inside.
You're definitely on the right track, M. Keep with it. You have something really powerful on your hands.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds very familiar. Good articulation: "When I started reading what I wrote, I realized that my emotions were missing from the piece because it was missing from me."
And having sat with you at the film and chatted about your dreads, I think that they should be the focus of your essay. If I were you I'd go beyond just making the memoir about your hair--make it about the dreads. Put it in a contemporary context--You've decided to work out your dreads. Now present your story within this framework. Start the essay in the present, as you struggle to work out your dreads. Think back on when they were first dreaded, how you felt about it. And then how you felt about them throughout your growing up, until this point.
ReplyDeleteI don't know a lot about dreading. Hearing you talk last night about the actual mechanics of dreading was really interesting. I suggest working some of that into the essay. Let the reader really feel what it's like to have dreads. To wash them. To dry them. To fasten them into a ponytail, etc.
now we're getting somewhere. i love the power and honesty of this blog entry. and i completely agree with emily, i can't wait to read your true self on the page. cry away, you can remove tears stains on the page (or the word cry) if needed... later.
ReplyDeleteyou go girl!
J
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