Men + Confused = Manfused!
"Yuh Manfuse gyal!" Andy, one my best friends in Belize, would yell at girls who were interested in more than one guy at a time. His play on words made me giggle at the time (especially because I was a goody goody and never had a boyfriend behind my mother's back, never). But as I get older and have experienced some break ups, rough beginnings, and hopeless infatuations, it is clear that I have become manfuse myself.
His name was Jiroh Moh. He was Mayan and H-O-T. One of Wesley High school's bad boys. Everything about him was irresistible, his hair, eyes, height, tattoos, and the way he walked, everythang! I can't remember the first time I saw him or what he said when I finally got a chance to talk to him. All I remember is how I felt when he walked by or the jolt that rocked my body when he touched my shoulder. I even wrote a poem about him. He was is form 3 (junior year) and I was in form 1 (a freshmen).
One day my friend's like, "Mer'yam, dis bwoy seh i like sih yuh," or this boy really thinks your pretty." Which was then my invitation to meet this mystery man. Shy but flattered I ran my hands over my white pleated uniform as I walked over to him. "weh gawn awn dred?" or what's up dreadlocks girl?" He said with a lazy smile. His name was Jesus (pronounced with a Spanish accent) and he was funny. We were chatting for awhile, until Jiroh pulled up and fist-bumped Jesus. They were best friends. And that was case number 1 of when I was officially manfused for the first time. Jesus was very open about liking me and knew how to make me laugh, but Jiroh was mysterious, quiet and would stare at me so long that I thought I would melt. Deep down I knew I was attracted to Jiroh more that I was to Jesus, but I couldn't have a relationship with either one of them because 1. I wasn't allowed to have boyfriends yet, 2. they were very knotty boys, and 3. they were best friends! So, I was in a pickle. But as usual, I didn't act on it, and let time buff away the edges of my thoughts about it. But then Jesus and I got into a small disagreement. He flipped me off and I wanted him to apologize, but I never told him. I just stopped talking to him, which meant I had to stop talking to Jiroh. And then my second year came and went, Jesus and Jiroh graduated and I didn't go their graduation ceremony (even though I really wanted to and thought about Jiroh all day).
There were other cases when I was manfused and I noticed that it only happens when I feel obligated or guilty. I'll cover the other cases some other time. But there are at least 2 more cases where I was ridden with guilt because I was with one guy and thinking about another. I tried to change this by approaching the guy (the one I am thinking about) and letting him know through my actions that I am interested, but not getting any response and feeling really vulnerable and frankly, stupid.
Now, I am single but still very manfused. Manfused about break ups, love, relationships, and why I let myself fall so quickly for guys (bad guys, guys who have girlfriends, guys who will never like me back, ever). Manfused because I pretend to like another guy (mentally), so I can justify (to myself) why I can't like the guy who, in reality, is genuinely interested in me. Manfused because I don't understand the meaning of the words "love or like." My father was womanfused as he had multiple relationships going on all at once and now he is old and alone and tells me to 'pray for your Baba.' But he swears to have loved them all.
I have prayed to forget guys, to remove them from my Psyche, and always guarded myself to never open up (really open up). And as my quest to defeat my manfusedness continues, so do my prayers to forget those guys; because they still haunt me. And I am afraid that I will (always) long for their ghosts because that's the only thing that gives me control.
His name was Jiroh Moh. He was Mayan and H-O-T. One of Wesley High school's bad boys. Everything about him was irresistible, his hair, eyes, height, tattoos, and the way he walked, everythang! I can't remember the first time I saw him or what he said when I finally got a chance to talk to him. All I remember is how I felt when he walked by or the jolt that rocked my body when he touched my shoulder. I even wrote a poem about him. He was is form 3 (junior year) and I was in form 1 (a freshmen).
One day my friend's like, "Mer'yam, dis bwoy seh i like sih yuh," or this boy really thinks your pretty." Which was then my invitation to meet this mystery man. Shy but flattered I ran my hands over my white pleated uniform as I walked over to him. "weh gawn awn dred?" or what's up dreadlocks girl?" He said with a lazy smile. His name was Jesus (pronounced with a Spanish accent) and he was funny. We were chatting for awhile, until Jiroh pulled up and fist-bumped Jesus. They were best friends. And that was case number 1 of when I was officially manfused for the first time. Jesus was very open about liking me and knew how to make me laugh, but Jiroh was mysterious, quiet and would stare at me so long that I thought I would melt. Deep down I knew I was attracted to Jiroh more that I was to Jesus, but I couldn't have a relationship with either one of them because 1. I wasn't allowed to have boyfriends yet, 2. they were very knotty boys, and 3. they were best friends! So, I was in a pickle. But as usual, I didn't act on it, and let time buff away the edges of my thoughts about it. But then Jesus and I got into a small disagreement. He flipped me off and I wanted him to apologize, but I never told him. I just stopped talking to him, which meant I had to stop talking to Jiroh. And then my second year came and went, Jesus and Jiroh graduated and I didn't go their graduation ceremony (even though I really wanted to and thought about Jiroh all day).
There were other cases when I was manfused and I noticed that it only happens when I feel obligated or guilty. I'll cover the other cases some other time. But there are at least 2 more cases where I was ridden with guilt because I was with one guy and thinking about another. I tried to change this by approaching the guy (the one I am thinking about) and letting him know through my actions that I am interested, but not getting any response and feeling really vulnerable and frankly, stupid.
Now, I am single but still very manfused. Manfused about break ups, love, relationships, and why I let myself fall so quickly for guys (bad guys, guys who have girlfriends, guys who will never like me back, ever). Manfused because I pretend to like another guy (mentally), so I can justify (to myself) why I can't like the guy who, in reality, is genuinely interested in me. Manfused because I don't understand the meaning of the words "love or like." My father was womanfused as he had multiple relationships going on all at once and now he is old and alone and tells me to 'pray for your Baba.' But he swears to have loved them all.
I have prayed to forget guys, to remove them from my Psyche, and always guarded myself to never open up (really open up). And as my quest to defeat my manfusedness continues, so do my prayers to forget those guys; because they still haunt me. And I am afraid that I will (always) long for their ghosts because that's the only thing that gives me control.
I think that an essay grounded in this thought could be fantastic:
ReplyDelete"My father was womanfused as he had multiple relationships going on all at once and now he is old and alone and tells me to 'pray for your Baba.'"
To begin here and work out your own confusion with this as a starting point. That you are confused, that you sabotage your own relationships, but that you know full well that this pattern leads one to be old and alone and in need of the prayers of others.
I really like how you are using the actual language that these interactions were spoken in. The use of italics makes it really easy to understand. I don't know if you've read her, but Edwidge Danticat handles this really well in her writing.
Maryam- I love how unique your voice is here- and the subject seems ordinary, but you turn it into something so much more! I love this "manfused" term and I think you can work with it even more. The heart of the story seems to come when you start comparing you and your father-the confusion of feelings and fear of committing to the wrong (or right)person and it might be interesting to delve in there a little more...
ReplyDeleteOn a side note: the confusion will disappear when the fear of committing and letting someone else "in" goes away too, but that is much easier typed in a blog than done, but i have faith in you!!!